improvement and the like

I've probably written a post like this several times now. I may have even posted it. At this time, I don't want to go back and check or review my drafts folder. This one is going straight to the blog when I finish it. It'll also probably be a rant/vent post. Although I normally dislike those and have avoided making them, I feel like it's necessary to say this stuff publicly even if it's to the void of space.

One thing you often seem mentioned with "gifted" kids is the difficulties they face when they reach a problem that requires actual effort. They sort of don't know how to solve things properly or don't know how to handle not immediately being kind of good at something.

At one point in my life, I tried learning the guitar. My parents paid for lessons. I later transitioned to piano for some reason or another. I also had some time in college where I took a class with a portion on learning to play the harmonica. I also was part of the juggling club. For a few semesters in college, I took Russian.

Out of all of those, the only one that I actually feel I made progress with was juggling. And that's because I didn't feel bad about practice. I think it was because I was so high on the feeling of being at college those first few weeks that I didn't mind totally sucking at it.

However, Russian was a different story. I was terrible at it. I also never practised outside of class besides the homework that I continued to suck at. At that time, I didn't know how good Anki was so I basically lost out on it. There were other issues, including general laziness, but there was a big loop of being depressed over it because I was bad and not wanting to practise because it would make me depressed. That which didn't come naturally made me feel like a failure.

The ones I really care about were the instruments, because they had an even bigger problem: I couldn't practice if someone knew I was practising. Like a weeping angel from Doctor Who, I could only move when not looked at. For my time at home this meant only practising when there was no one else home (which was practically never) and at school this was when I knew I was alone where no one would hear me (which was totally never).

Do I have low self-confidence as the kid who had everything come naturally in school, suddenly faced with an actual challenge? Am I just lazy? Do I fear the metaphysical death of former selves as they are lost when I improve beyond them? Who knows.

But this same issue of "impossible to improve when seen" has been a source of a lot of pain in my life. Especially recently.

I've spent the last nine months learning Japanese. I've spent the last one or two months learning drawing on top of that. I've only told four people - only one of which is even remotely "close". But like a fairy who reveals it's True Name, I feel like I'll lose all power to continue as soon as I tell someone close to me. I've only made it this far because I could do such things without revealing them.

But other changes aren't so easy. People will notice if you suddenly switch from burgers to grilled chicken at restaurants. People will notice if you change your clothing style. People will notice if you start going to the gym four days a week. People will notice if you start actually talking about the things you care about instead of what interested you half a decade beforehand.

I know that I'm being a pushover and getting angry at myself over nothing. But that's why I'm angry - because there's no reason to be limited like this.

Another issue I've encountered is feeling like I haven't been as productive as I could be. I'm still at a stage of my life where I'm setting up for bigger, better things. I read recently that you spent most of your life acquiring skills and only a small portion using them. I'm trying to get those skills (languages, drawing, general focus) now so I get the most time to use them.

Yet if I have approximately 8 hours of my day to devote to that (with the rest being to sleep and work), I only spend maybe one or two actually doing things. And I don't mean that in the hustle-culture-bro style "I waste time on eating and doing leisure activities instead of speed-reading War and Peace". I mean that as I spend 1-2 hours half-reviewing Anki or half-focused on drawing and the rest of the non-food times idly looking at what other people have made or being "productively procrastinating" by trying to find one new and improved method under the 500 I've already seen.

I'd make so much more progress if I spent some time actually doing and creating instead of consuming.

Food is it's own issue. Actually, it's related to the issue of my physical health. I'm 6'0" with 325 lb. of mass that brings me to a BMI of 44.1. At the start of 2021, I was 295 lb.. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. I want to go back to how I was in High School when I was 180 lb and didn't get winded with sore legs with a day of minor walking.

I need to fix my health. I will fix my health. I will fit into the clothes I want to wear. I will stop feeling like doom is inevitable for me. I will stop destroying myself like this.

Atop this throne of sticks and stones
Bout a thousand miles from a hollowed home
I'll shout THRIVE, SURVIVE, YOU ARE ALIVE
Don't let them tell you two and two makes five
And there will be mistakes
And there will be days of sorrow
Know we'll be knowing better
There will be a tomorrow
No road is loaded with silver and gold
It's just the treasure that you make for you.
And there still be minor villains to kill along the way
You could fill yourself with hate or be real be on your way cuz
Life's tough, but love, when 'nough is enough
Could be the treasure that you make for you.
- DEMONDICE, fake ass gold